Sleeping Newborn

Last night, after finally putting my baby girl to sleep (pretty much the only time I can truly relax), I proceeded to turn on a mindless romantic comedy and lay in bed. A mosquito buzzed in the movie and sounded so much alike my baby’s cry that my heart skipped a beat and I had a weird tingling sensation on my arms. I realized at this precise moment that my life as I knew it had completely changed. The fact that a mere sound can create such a visceral reaction in my body was so bizarre and real. “Me” and “my” time was no longer the same. I was now fully connected with another creature. After the tingling subsided and I realized it wasn’t her suddenly waking up for some unknown reason, I settled back into my relaxed state.

My alone time as a mother of a seven month old is so precious that sometimes I get so annoyed at even the sound of a text message. “How dare you text me while I’m laying in bed finally!!”. Is this really me? I used to be so laid back, never annoyed, never jumpy or anxious or moody. Being a mother has created new realms of feelings and thoughts in my brain, sometimes I am shocked at my own behavior. (My husband even more shocked). Having a baby has instilled some very raw maternal instincts that make me truly believe in the power of nature. I will do ANYTHING for this child, and my body reacts in such a way that is almost beyond my own control. I find this extremely fascinating and empowering; I am a mother, creator of another creature, and that is a truly awesome thing.

To be honest, there are moments where I miss the “me” time. I miss being able to waltz out the door and not know where I’m going or when I’ll be back. Now, walking out the door I think, “Do I have milk? Do I have diapers? Is she gonna need to nap?” or if I have left her with a caregiver, “Is she okay? Did she eat? Will she sleep? I need to come back soon to breastfeed!!” As the months have passed, I have begun to relax into motherhood and not worry too much. As long as we are healthy, (“we” is the key word here, mothers and their babies are a unit, a shared mechanism) we are fine.

But, as we all know, this work, this new devotion, is all so worth it. I don’t need to explain why, we all know the importance of being a mother, the gifts of having a child. The moments my daughter and I share are unlike anything anyone will ever understand. We are our own little crazy and beautiful world.

And at the end of the day, when I do finally lay down, I feel such a newfound sense of satisfaction. I lay down and sink into a sense of utter bliss. I have been giving of myself all day, making sure my little creature is perfect and happy. And since I know this, I can feel perfect and happy too. And tomorrow is a new day together…

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